A malignant narcissist (sometimes called a narcissistic pervert, although the condition doesn’t necessarily have to do with sexual perversion) is very, very clever. Or maybe I should say very, very cruel.
It’s not always easy to know how to unmask a malignant narcissist, especially when they seem pretty nice in any kind of relationship they’re involved in. The problem is that, generally speaking, sometimes it’s too late.
Too late in the sense that this narcissist has already got you in their clutches and you’re very attached to them.
Luckily, it’s never too late to for you to get rid of them, my dear friend, and don’t worry, I’m going to help you unmask this malignant narcissist, thanks to some very concrete characteristics.
A malignant narcissist excels at manipulation
A malignant narcissist excels at manipulation and tends to feel better about him- or herself by bringing you down. They can seem kind, sociable and pleasant, but they know what to do to manipulate anyone who spends time with them.
The first thing that should get your notice: you’re not yourself when you’re around them. In fact, you tend to pay attention to what you could do or say so that you won’t upset them, or to gain their approval.
A malignant narcissist has mental problems that explain the harmful way they behave towards you. In general, for them, feelings are worthless and they’re incapable of experiencing them. On the other hand, they take a sadistic pleasure in bringing down other people and hurting their feelings, even completely destroying them.
A malignant narcissist is hard to spot and hard to get rid of, but some things can help you unmask them:
- They don’t care about your emotions, and, even worse, they toy with them in order to make you feel guilty.
- You don’t feel completely like yourself, and may even feel ill at ease, when you’re in their presence.
- They pretend to feel and act in your best interests, but it’s really just manipulation.
- They won’t fail to give you countless compliments, going to the extreme to flatter your ego, but with no sincerity behind any of their words.
- You will notice that your relationship with them drains you of an enormous amount of time, energy, emotion, and maybe even money.
- They’re a master of confusion, often expressing themself in vague ways in order to use each misunderstanding to their advantage.
Here are some adjectives that describe a malignant narcissist:
nice, pleasant, kind, attractive, thoughtful, available, social, cultured, confident, soothing, demanding, authoritative, temperamental
Now, I’m going to show you 13 things that will help you spot a malignant narcissist.
13 ways to spot a malignant narcissist
1. They excel at making you feel guilty, by bringing up every mistake you make or have made. They also do this by making deprecating comments about you.
2. They are completely unstable, notably in what they say. One minute they could be telling you how pretty you are and the next, they’ll tell you that maybe you should lose some weight. They easily and quickly shift from nice, to vile.
3. They’re skilled at awakening your fear and anxiety. Their goal? That you’re afraid to lose them and afraid they’ll leave you. Essentially, they want you to cling to them.
4. A malignant narcissist is cold and calculating. In other words, they don’t feel any emotion and will appear relatively unmoved, even when they see you crying. They won’t hesitate, by the way, to use your weaknesses to harm you even more whenever they manipulate you.
5. A malignant narcissist has a very high opinion of themself. Extremely egocentric, they have excessive pride and sometimes play the victim to get others’ attention, including yours.
6. Their image is very important to them, especially when it comes to getting the approval of people they’re going to meet or spend time with. They’re truly narcissistic.
7. They’re very mysterious, inconstant, elusive — and this is a deliberate choice, so that you won’t be able to figure them out. They adapt to each situation and to each person they meet, as long as they’ll get something out of it.
8. They are never happy and always expect more from you. They will always be unsatisfied, and you will always be the one who does more and more for them in an attempt to satisfy them.
9. They’re obsessed with control and domination. They’re the one who must always be in charge of everything and they won’t hesitate to make you completely dependent on them, notably financially, so that you feel like you can’t live without them.
10. It’s very difficult to communicate with them because they want confusion. They’ll contradict themselves often and cause a number of misunderstandings simply to spread doubt and manipulate you all the more easily.
11. Questioning oneself is a completely foreign concept to the malignant narcissist. It’s always someone else who’s to blame. According to them, you’re always the one who’s wrong and they’re always the victim.
12. They’re very clever when it comes to making you approve of things that you normally wouldn’t.
13. They’re not afraid to go to battle, and they will always do everything necessary to come out victorious, no matter if it hurts people around them. They put themself before everything and everyone else.
I’d like to share this quotation from Billy Wilder:
“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.”
Your instinct is your best ally, so if you feel like something’s not right with someone, have confidence in your intuition and don’t waste your time. Run away and don’t try to find any excuses, at the risk of leaving some of your feathers between their claws.
A malignant narcissist doesn’t know what a healthy relationship is
For a malignant narcissist, the idea of reciprocity doesn’t exist. Since they only think of themself and their own interests, they won’t ask you what you think or feel. They clearly don’t care.
But reciprocity is an essential part of a relationship. A couple can’t work like a one-way street, so their goal is to make you believe it’s reciprocal when in fact, it isn’t at all.
For example, you’ll do many thoughtful things to take care of them. They’ll find this normal but now and then they will say a little “Thank you” or also do something nice for you, but not really in a truly reciprocal way.
Remember that their goal is to manipulate you to take advantage of what you can bring them, so they’ll always do the minimum, while you’ll always do the maximum. This equation certainly can’t work, and it will make you feel bad — really bad.
Because they don’t know what a healthy relationship is, don’t expect a healthy romantic relationship with them. Don’t even try to change things, you won’t be able to. Their problems go much deeper than you can imagine, and they can only change if they want to and if they recognize their true demons.
Unmask a malignant narcissist through their egocentrism
Characterized by excessive egocentrism, the malignant narcissist will only leave a little, maybe even no, space for you, or for you both.
It’s simple: if they’re with you, it’s because there’s something or some things they think they can get from you, but deep down, they’re only thinking of themself. They won’t plan a future with you and will do nothing or nearly nothing to make you happy.
If they find an idea or the energy to do something nice for you, it’s because they want to ask you a favor in return.
Their egocentrism is at the heart of their vicious and toxic personality.
With this in mind, you can easily unmask a malignant narcissist through their egocentrism. Start asking yourself if they’re really interested in you, if they know your closest friends, your family, your taste in movies or music, your favorite thing to eat, the place you dream of visiting, your craziest dream….
They may know some of your friends, but they don’t show any desire to spend time with you and them at the same time. In fact, they completely don’t care. And they also won’t ask you to spend time with their friends and family.
Everything revolves around them and you must be available to spend time together, just the two of you, so that they can do what they want with you.
But why are they a malignant narcissist?
A malignant narcissist is a really disgusting kind of person, and yet, you’ve fallen into their clutches and that’s not just by chance.
Yes, they’re an excellent manipulator but why are they a malignant narcissist? Well, it’s not by accident. Before I continue, the idea isn’t to excuse them and continue to stay in their grip, no. The idea is to understand this type of personality.
Since they’re incapable of feeling emotions and don’t feel emotional suffering, they awaken that in others, like you, for example. They don’t do this on purpose; they don’t know how to do things any other way. The root of their problem is that they were profoundly hurt during their childhood and this behavior is their way to cope.
In reality, you’re an attractive, intelligent person who has everything you need to succeed in life. And the malignant narcissist is jealous.
They envy you and that’s why they’ll make sure you shine less brightly than them, or even not at all…You are too brilliant in every sense of the word and this disturbs them, so they have to destroy you. Once again, this is subconscious, but it doesn’t mean that you should stay with them — far from it.
How to get away from a malignant narcissist?
I’d like to tell you that it’s easy to detach yourself from a malignant narcissist, but it all depends on how attached you are to them.
One thing is certain: in order to be able to turn the page, you’re going to have to summon all of your courage and, especially, think very hard about yourself and your wellbeing.
Take your distance, spend time with your friends and family, do time-consuming activities that leave you with a positive feeling. The more you’re busy doing other things and seeing other people, the less you’ll be with them and the faster the detachment process will be.
Be strong, be confident, and, above all, be positive! You’re going to leave this person who makes you feel so bad and one day, they’ll no longer have a hold on you.